The Never’s of Conflict


God helps those who helps themselves. Your face will freeze like that if you don’t stop making that face. When I was your age, I walked to school…in the snow…without shoes. The earth is flat. Santa Clause is real. Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling. And my favorite…Marriage means the end of conflict, because you are in love.

What do all of these phrases have in common? They are all lies that at one point in time were believed to be true. The world tricks us into thinking that getting married means the absence of conflict. But it’s important to understand that, if you are breathing, conflict in life and marriage is inevitable. However, conflict is not what will define your relationships…how you deal with conflict is what will define your marriage, life and relationships. 

Here are some bad conflict habits that we should avoid if we want to see our marriages flourish. (I also think this can apply to every day conflict and other relationships)

1. Never avoid conflict. Because what happens when we avoid conflict is that one issue will begin to boil in side of us and sooner or later we will blow up…and look crazy in the process. Don’t avoid it.

2. Never get historical. You can’t pull a file from 6 years ago and use that in whatever the current conflict is. Let the dead horse continue to be dead and stop going back to the grave side.

3. Never try to win. Your goal in an argument is not to win. It’s to be one. Contrary to popular belief…the woman is not always right.

4. Never let the sun go down on your anger. Unless it is really late and no one is making any sense any more…especially if things are getting really heated…then you may need to take a walk and cool off.

5. Never play the comparison game. Instead of appreciating the unique way that God is writing your own marriage and life…we will spend our whole life trying to measure up to someone else’s life or marriage. There’s nothing more that will rob your joy than to play the comparison game. Comparing yourself (or your marriage) with someone else’s even has a way to make you jealous, “No one can really be that happy…they’re just faking it.”… Rest in the fact that God is writing your unique story and He will take care of you.

You have to remember that you need the Spirit of God to lead your heart at all times, especially in conflict. What does it look like when God leads you through conflict? Your life will be marked with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-Control.

What are some other habits we should avoid when dealing with conflict?

2 thoughts on “The Never’s of Conflict

  1. Very well written, Matthew. A lot of wisdom in everything you say here. My folks NEVER fought EVER…. until one day late in 1967. After that it never stopped. Instead, it got worse, and by 1971 their marriage was over and our family was in tatters. Don’t be afraid of conflict and hashing things out before they get too big. Don’t be afraid to walk away when it gets too intense. Remember that, just like a race in a mine field, the object is not to win, but rather to avoid having anyone blown up. And you are right, women are NOT always right. Just the vast majority of the time. Ask Merinda. Or Kit. 😉

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